Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Remember the turtles? Remember their pizza-lovin’, crime-fightin’ shenanigans? Remember how cool they used to be? Difficult, isn’t it?*

Here’s what’s happened since they dropped out of the public eye.

* Note: This page was much** funnier before the turtles made their triumphant return to the public eye. Ah well, c’est la vie

** Slightly

• 1992 – Donatello quits the turtles to pursue his solo career. He is replaced by Warhol. The team is famous again for fifteen minutes.
• 1993 – Michaelangelo releases a cover version of Happy Together by 60s pop group The Turtles. Its success inspires him to release an entire album of Turtles covers, eventually leading to a civil action against him for ‘causing mental confusion in the greater public’.
• 1994 – Raphael is admitted to a drugs clinic after stripping naked on a plane and screaming at his fellow passengers that ‘they were all going to die the buglords were coming and they were not happy and they were all going to die.’
• 1995 – Donatello’s ‘Come Out of Your Shell’ Motivational Speaking Tour is expensively abandoned when a misguided Donatello attempts to ‘motivate’ a woman by hurling ninja stars at her.
• 1996 – Leonardo stars in a short lived sitcom – Blame it on the Turtle, the tales of a wacky dentist who happens to also be a turtle.
• 1997 – Raphael is arrested for receiving ‘services’ from a street prostitute. His defence that he thought she was a pizza delivery person is dismissed, on the grounds that the majority of pizza delivery persons do not typically perform oral sex in your car.
• 1998 – Leonardo attempts to patent a new invention, which fails when the patent office points out that helicopters already exist.
• 1999 – Michaelangelo seeks to build a long term career rather than being simply a short term fad – invents Pokemon™.
• 2000 – ‘Fifth Turtle’ Warhol attempts to reinvigorate the group with an avant-garde artistic foray, based on soup. Due to a variety of mixups, all five turtles eventually become soup and are consumed at a Wall Street business lunch.

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