Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard

Well, I think I’ve worked it out.

This is a coup. A fiendish and diabolical gang, having decided that they like the idea of being on television, have nominated Dunstan and his idiot cronies as their targets and have ruthlessly moved in.

The final nail in the evidenciary coffin emerged in this week’s shambolic episode.

For weeks now we’ve put up with the antics of Alvin and his two-dimensional idiocy and Crazy Audrey’s loathsome existence and thought that they were simply appalling characters, poorly written and sickeningly portrayed. But now in this latest episode where Dunstan screens his lame movie… in this episode their heinous plan becomes clear as the remainder of their gang move into position.

Let us look at the new set of annoyances that have been introduced to date.

Crazy Audrey in this episode spends all her time worrying about the fact that she has slept with literally millions of men and that, perhaps, this might make Paceman think of her as a slut. Well, duh, Crazy Audrey, do you think? A thoroughly tedious subplot that sapped far too much time of the show. So let’s see. Slutty behaviour… tedious subplots… now who does this remind you of?

Speaking of the Chipmunked One, she is being pursued by the Ben Stiller Wannabe, another newbie for this year, who, as you might recall, wrote Dunstan’s movie and is a film geek of the highest order. A film geek with a peculiar attraction to chipmunks. Are there perhaps any other similar characters on this show?

I didn’t check whether or not she had dimples but I think we can safely assume she does

Dunstan meanwhile, while waiting to screen his movie, has managed to get in a squabble with the critic who has shown up to review it. The critic is a sassy brunette who takes him to a coffee shop and shows considerable insight into his psyche before manufacturing some lame excuse to make out with him. A feisty brunette keen on Dunstan and willing to put up with his inane prattling. Now, I didn’t check whether or not she had dimples but I think we can safely assume she does…

And Ah Joey, dimples blazing magnificently, is hanging out with Alvin, a big dumb doofus for whom she is inexplicably hot. Although he says something dumb (y’know, because he’s a big dumb doofus) which makes her mad and causes her to storm out of the cinema magnificently, she eventually returns to be won over by his charms. Big dumb doofi?? Saying stupid things?? Making Ah Joey mad?? But she can’t resist him anyway?? Gimme a P… gimme an A…

So that’s four main characters, with their four potential replacements moving remorselessly in. Do I need to spell it out any further? This is a fully fledged coup. And a magnificently planned and executed one, as we see from the final replacement character emerging this very episode.

faster than you can say Guess Who’s Coming To The Movies? our final piece of the puzzle is in place…

For many series now we’ve enjoyed Gay Jack’s antics. A highly vocal member of a persecuted minority he has been as entertaining as he is repetitive. And this episode, guess who is introduced? Grams’ new boyfriend. An African-American boyfriend. And faster than you can say Guess Who’s Coming To The Movies? our final piece of the puzzle is in place… he didn’t come out and say ‘I’m black’, but I’m bettin’ it happens next week.

So there you have it. We should all feel honoured. Here we’ve been thinking that we’ve simply been watching a highly lame season of Dunstan’s Creek when, in fact, we have been priviliged to be witness to a full-scale take-over, clinical and inspiring in its efficiency. It is now only a matter of time for the original gang. They have been outwitted and outmaneuvered and I expect them all to rapidly be eliminated.

Next Week: Well, I can only assume that the coup begins. All the pieces are in place and there’s surely no further reason to delay. Next week is the 100th episode of the show and I can think of no finer way to celebrate it than with the mass-slaughter of most of the original cast.

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