1.19 Parker Lewis Can’t Die
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Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.
I am quite certain that Channel Nine is trying to kill me. They have managed to put on back-to-back episodes of Smallville, skilfully forcing me to provide corresponding back-to-back Smallville Files. If I get details of the next two episodes mixed up then I beseech you to forgive my addled mind.
We open the first episode with Parker Lewis (from the former hit show Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, of course) talking to Sinead who is inexplicably hanging upside down from the roof of some deserted warehouse. At first you might think that Sinead is laying the groundwork for perhaps eventually becoming Batman, but alas no. That other showpony teen billionaire Wayne has copyrighted that notion, so it turns out instead that Sinead is being held at gunpoint by a furious young Parker Lewis who demands to know the truth about what happened three years ago.
‘Gee,’ says Sinead. ‘Everybody was talking about Y2K, and innumerate people were being hassled by pedantic nerds about when the millennium was due to begin and/or end. Steve Waugh led the Australian cricket team to an amazing against-the-odds victory in the World Cup and–’
‘No,’ says ParkerLewis. ‘I’m talking about the night at the nightclub.’
‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,’ says Sinead and wiggles back and forth in order to simulate us going back in time to Sinead’s wild past where he was partying like it was 1999. He’s there with some bimbo who is engaged to somebody else, namely Parker Lewis. Of course, Parker is at the nightclub too, floozing about with other young ladies. His fiancee sees this, bursts into tears and runs off throughthe nightclub. Sinead smirks. Parker is angry because he knows that Sinead brought his fiancee there deliberately. ‘Hehehe,’ giggles Sinead and runs afterParker’s fiancee. Parker runs too, then pulls a knife on Sinead and then the security guard shoots Parker dead.
Cut back to the present day and the (apparently risen from the dead) Parker Lewis doesn’t believe this story at all. “Tell the truth,” he says.
(Somewhat eerily, in the early days of Buffy and Charmed, hoping to cash in on the supernatural phenomenon, I once proposed a revival of Parker in a show called Parker Lewis Can’t Die (if you’re a television producer interested in this or my other spinoff idea (a spinoff from The Cosby Show called Theo Needs Crack), please contact me for details). So the notion of an undead Parker Lewis is one that I’m highly comfortable with.)
Sinead refuses to tell the truth so Parker pulls the trigger and BANG! Opening credits.
Lots of detail there for just the opening credit scene but it’s okay, because it’s the only important scene in the show. The rest of the show is just this:
Cut back to three days before the kidnapping.
Parker Lewis runs around town … pouring radioactive porridge on the Kents’ cows
Parker Lewis runs around town freaking Sinead out with his shenanigans, delivering severed hands in the mail, pouring radioactive porridge on the Kents’ cows, and just generally being really freaky and undead.
Sinead begins to lose his renowned cool and even discards the fencing outfit in favour of a bit of boxing action on the ol’ bag. (I’m talking about a punching bag here, as opposed to Boring Old Ma Kent. Obviously.)
Superlad is curious and hypocritical, following Sinead around goin’ ‘So what’s the story with Parker Lewis, huh Sinead? Huh? Is it true that he can’t lose? Are you sure he’s not just a Ferris Bueller rip-off? Huh, Sinead, huh?’ and Sinead saying ‘Hey, buddy, you ever heard of a private life?’. And obviously he has, because Superlad is getting annoyed with TIAC because she is annoying him (duh!) by asking all kinds of detailed questions about his adoption and stuff as part of a school project on ‘Uncovering Which One Of Your Classmates Was Born On The Planet Krypton’
Lana’s doing nothing of interest. Just opening her silly cinema/cafe thing.
Good Ol’ Pete is gloating about how he’s somehow managed to get a date with a hot babe for the prom.
Boring Old Ma is getting a bit worried about Sinead’s sordid past and how somebody like an undead Parker Lewis might fit into it. Bo has, of course, always been worried about Sinead’s sordid past. But, also of course, more worried about his sordid future where Sinead becomes the greatest criminal mastermind the world has ever seen. Bo is not psychic. He is just well read.
And then Sinead is kidnapped and strung upside down by the undead Parker. Foolishly, Sinead starts yelling.
‘Help me. Somebody help me!’ hecries.
nobody’s a bigger fan of Sinead than me, but he really needs to lift his game here.
Which is all wrong. The song goes ‘Somebody save me’ Sinead. Or, to be more precise, ‘Somebody saaaaa-aaaaaaaaa-aaaaaave me’. Don’t you even listen to your own opening credits? Shame on you. I hate to say it, because nobody’s a bigger fan of Sinead than me, but he really needs to lift his game here.
Then we redo the opening scene again (because itwas so good the first time around) and it is revealed that it wasn’t the security guard who killed Parker in the nightclub back in ‘99, it was, rather, Sinead himself with the security guard taking the rap because that’s the kind of security guard he is.
And then some more nonsense with TIAC apologising to Superlad about her nosiness re: his adoption (she had asked Bo and Boring Ol’ Ma about some of the incongruities of the paperwork with regards to the adoption, ie ‘Reason for Biological Parents Giving Baby Up: Planet Exploded’, that kind of stuff, and Bo and Boring Ol’ Ma kinda ummed and ahhed about it before saying ‘hey, look!’ and then running off when TIAC’s back was turned) and Superlad and TIAC teaming up to deduce that Parker was undead and then Superlad dashing off to rescue Sinead.
And so we repeat the opening scene one last time, hear the ‘BANG!’ as the gun is fired apparently into Sinead’s bald noggin by the undead Parker Lewis but no! All is not as it seems. Parker has been shot dead by some other guy, who turns out to be Parker’s fiancee’s dad who hates Sinead because Parker’s fiancee committed suicide and Sinead is to blame. Oh, and also Parker isn’t really undead. It’s just a Parker lookalike that Parker’s fiancee’s father found and somehow convinced he should kidnap Sinead.
Obvious really, no?
But it all makes sense at the end when Sinead reveals that in fact it wasn’t him or the security guard who shot Parker (the original Parker, not the Parker lookalike who has just been shot) it was, instead, Parker’s fiancee and that’s why she committed suicide. Well, Parker’s fiancee’s father won’t listen to a word of this, or perhaps he is simply baffled by the convoluted nature of the plot, so he goes to shoot Sinead who slickly leaps backward over the balcony.
Superlad shows up, kicks a couch under Sinead, dashes up, knocks out Parker’s fiancee’s dad, goes to check on Sinead and saves the day. And that is that.
A highly confusing but entertainingepisode. I give it (8+5/2×4/5-6)x(5×5-(97-89))%
This is where I’d ordinarily say ‘Next week’ but instead, I’ll just say ‘next episode‘ and try and churn something out soonerish rather than laterish as the kidnap-a-thon on Smallville continues with both TIAC and Lana napped in a kiddish fashion.
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Posted: December 5th, 2002 under smallville.
Tags: batman, buffy, channel nine, going back in time, nerds, shenanigans, smallville season one, steve waugh