Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard

The opening scene is Chipmunk Face undoing the handcuffs and allowing Dunstan out of his attic prison to go to his new Kool Film Skool.

She is giving him assorted school supplies (pens, notepads, Viagra, erasers, etc) and apparently being immensely in love. The irritation factor of Chipmunk Face’s lovey dovey behaviour makes one yearn for the days when she was a simple, self-pitying slut.

She has bought Dunstan a lunchbox with a picture of ET on it, which would be tolerable, except for the fact that it’s the ET from the little-known sequel ET: The Erotic-Terrestrial. And while Dunstan now has a penis that doesn’t mean that he wants daily reminders that the home-phoning bulb-head has one also.

In the dorm, Ah Joey continues to wield her dimples at high beam, seducing Idiot Pawn, the creepy guy who keeps hanging around her. Idiot Pawn manages to work up the courage to ask Ah Joey out. Ah Joey says ‘But, of course!’ because she has plans to toy with this one’s mind, as we shall see.

Gay Jack is hanging around with his frat buddies, drinking and belching with aplomb. Suddenly, he lets slip that he is on ‘Academic Probation’ which is an official way of saying that he’s ‘dumb as a mullet’.

Well, the Academic Probation revelations soon bring the entire vibe of the frathouse down. “You can’t flunk out, dude,” they say.

“Sure I can,” says Gay Jack. “In fact, I’m well on the way.”

The frathouse guys sigh.

Meanwhile, Dunstan has shown up at his Kool Film Skool. Of course, the Ben Stiller Wannabe from several episodes back is there and in his face. BSW immediately starts introducing Dunstan to the rest of the class.

“Over there is Beth Tarantino,” he says. “She claims to have slept with Quentin Tarantino.”

“He’s my husband, you idiot,” mutters Mrs Tarantino.

BSW continues obliviously. “And that’s Jeremiah. He’s a world-class cinematographer and a chronic bed-wetter.”

“That’s Frodo,” he continues. “You will never see a better editor or purveyor of farm animal porn.”

“Actually,” says Dunstan. “Perhaps I’ll make my own introductions.”

‘…this is Dunstan. He’s out on day release from the attic prison in which his rodent girlfriend keeps him confined.’

“Nonsense,” says BSW. “Everybody, this is Dunstan. He’s out on day release from the attic prison in which his rodent girlfriend keeps him confined.”

Back on campus, Professor WildStallion has invited Ah Joey to join his entourage of suck-up students for a Friday night dinner of revelry.

“Sure,” says Ah Joey, ostensibly ‘forgetting’ about Idiot Pawn’s previously organised date.

And also by now it is revealed that the ‘in love’ Chipmunk Face is vomit-inducing to everybody within the show as well. Until now we have been forced to accept as an irrational premise that Chipmunk Face was interesting and/or beautiful and/or worthy of not murdering to those within the show. The writers have now sensibly abandoned this notion – one can only suspend disbelief so far.

So Chipmunk Face’s radio producer tells her that he hates her and she is going to be sacked from her inane radio show.

She goes home to visit Dunstan in his attic-dungeon and tell him this. He doesn’t care. “Shut up a tick,” he says. “BSW gave me a screenplay to read. He wants me to direct.” (And this is true, rather than one of Dunstan’s absurd lies.)

By now, Paceman has made a rare appearance for the episode, coming to pick up a suddenly-very-into-yoga Crazy Audrey, who immediately spills the story about Ah Joey having a date with Idiot Pawn and Professor WildStallion on the same night.

This gives Paceman the opportunity to unleash some glib one-liners, something I’ve not seen Paceman do in ages. And, boy, have I missed it!

Well, then what happens?

Gay Jack studies like a thing possessed and gets an ‘A’ on his next test, thereby earning the approval of his frathouse buddies who immediately take him out to get drunk (inexplicably they do this at Paceman’s restaurant). Gay Jack remains in a bad mood despite this, muttering ‘whatchu lookin’ at’ to everybody who goes past. Finally, he gets in a fist fight with his frat brothers and is cut by a smashed glass. “My face,” he cries. “My beautiful face!” “It’s your hand, Gay Jack,” says Paceman. “My hand! My beautiful hand!”

Paceman then tries to give Gay Jack a talking-to. “Gay Jack,” he says. “Why are you hanging out, getting drunk with your friends, being a slacker and flunking out of school? That’s my role and, besides, it doesn’t really work unless you’re on a boat and bonking Ah Joey.” “Awww… you are,” says Gay Jack and runs off.

Ah Joey …sticks her tongue well and truly down the throat of Professor WildStallion

Ah Joey pretends to be sick when Idiot Pawn comes around (‘Dimples off’) and instead sneaks off to hang out with Professor Wildstallion. After successfully getting rid of everybody else, Ah Joey flirts outrageously, remembering to turn the dimples back on, and eventually sticks her tongue well and truly down the throat of Professor WildStallion who responds with gusto before galloping off to plan his next move.

Dunstan hangs out with BSW and makes fun of his script until BSW cries and runs off. For some reason, this infuriates Chipmunk Face who then returns to the radio station claiming that as long as she maintains her anger she won’t be so repugnantly lovey-dovey and can therefore host a worthwhile radio show. This is, of course, highly dubious logic, but is apparently bought. Sigh. Time to suspend that old disbelief again.

And finally Dunstan changes his mind, tells BSW that he likes the idea of the main protagonist being a time-travelling automaton killer from the future and that he sees no reason why that should inhibit the romantic comedy overtone and envisages Lisa Kudrow in the role. “She would lend a certain kookiness to the nightclub mass-murder scene,” he opines. “As well as having superlative bojongas.”

And that’s it. I must say that the whole Chipmunk Face-Dunstan love thing is really beginning to get on my nerves. Let’s hope that Paceman moves in soon and breaks them up.

Next Week: Dunstan starts making BSW’s silly movie. Somehow, bloody Crazy Audrey takes the Lisa Kudrow role. And that’s just wrong. Also, Ah Joey bonks Professor WildStallion silly. Dimples ON!

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