Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Battle for outback abduction rights rages

Strike action has been threatened by Australian outback gunmen after negotiations with the Northern Territory government broke down late last night.

Outback gunmen spokesman Marsden ‘Two Bullets’ Adams described the government as ‘inflexible’, ‘suffocating’ and ‘inexplicably obsessed with kicking things’. “We are willing to compromise to come up with a solution that all parties can live with,” he said. “But we are not being shown the same courtesy.”

“Does the Northern Territory want tourists abducted by certified professionals? Or do they want amateur abductors out there running riot, cutting corners, making inexperienced mistakes?”

“We are not asking for free rein to murder people as we see fit,” he went on to add. “Obviously, that’s not what most of us are about. All we are saying is that sometimes, in the heat of an abduction, tourists are going to be murdered and we don’t see why we should be unjustly persecuted for these kinds of innocent mistakes.”

“As long as it’s only British backpackers and it’s not more than, say, once a month, I don’t see the problem. It’s a small price to pay for high-quality professional abductions.”

The Northern Territory Minister for Outback Abduction and Field Hockey is sticking to his hardline position however. “Our market research shows that almost 57% of tourists are ‘strongly opposed’ to being murdered while visiting this great country. And a further 19% are ‘somewhat opposed’. Clearly there is a groundswell of opinion to which we intend to listen.

“Now, who’s up for some Hacky Sack?”

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