Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

An absolutely sooper episode of Smallville this week. Top class effort.

We open with Superlad and Sinead in the Luthor Memorial Museum for the Criminally Insane in downtown Metropolis. The two of them are admiring a magnificent suit of armour that was (allegedly) once worn by Alexander the Great. It inexplicably has a big shiny S on the chest.

Superlad says he would never wear an S on his chest. But if he was forced to by the geopolitical situation or his pa then he would only do so if he could wear a big red cape with an S on it also…

“Real knights don’t wear armour,” he asserts. “They wear capes.”

Sinead nods, not really listening to this madness.

Lana wanders over and makes Superlad writhe in jealousy by pointing out that she’s here with Whit. And then wanders provocatively off. Superlad gazes worshipfully and then decides to head outside for a breath of fresh air and superheroics.

The superheroics come from a runaway bus whose driver has fallen asleep or possibly died. (We are in Metropolis, people. Everything is bigger. No piddling car crashes here. We’re talking instead buses, planes, Segways.) Superlad looks around and then uses his body as a roadblock. Luckily, nobody sees this… or do they???

Yes they do (obviously). A corrupt cop saw what went on and the next day immediately shows up in Smallville. He knows Sinead from his sordid past in Metropolis so shows him a photo of Superlad and asks him if he knows who this person is.

“Nope,” lies Sinead instantly. What a good egg he is. (He even looks a little bit like an egg!)

Over at the The Increasingly Annoying Chloe’s newspaper thing, TIAC has been fired by the Principal for being too tabloidey and sensationalist and increasingly annoying.

Lana says “Fret not, Less Attractive One. I’ll fix it…” and she sexily heads off to see the principal.

Meanwhile, the corrupt cop has dropped a generator on Superlad in the Kent barn, thus confirming his hypothesis that Superlad is, well, super.

“Now,” he says. “Unless you want others to know of your superness, I suggestyou do my nefarious corrupt bidding.”

“Okay. I’ll just have to ask my Pa,” says Superlad.

But Bo will have none of it. “Listen here Superlad,” he says. “I have dealt with corrupt cops in my time. Why I remember one time Boss Hogg had set up roadblocks all around Hazzard County. Well, Daisy and Uncle Jesse would have none of this, so Luke and I–”

and so on and so on and so on…

Eventually, Bo’s reminiscing draws to an end and both Boring Old Ma and Superlad have drifted away. So Bo heads off to confront Corrupt Cop by himself.

But it doesn’t work! Corrupt Cop is far too corrupt and nasty and he makes Bo cry! His pure evil has no limits.

Meanwhile, Sinead is bonking some multi-millionaire British babe. No idea why this was happening

Meanwhile, Sinead is bonking some multi-millionaire British babe. No idea why this was happening. Perhaps it was simply to make male viewers feel envious and wish that they, too, were bald and evil.

Anyway, Corrupt Cop has cornered Superlad and told him that he made Bo cry and so Superlad had better come help him break into the safe of some Internal Affairs cop and retrieve some magazines and yo-yos and stuff that were confiscated. Or else he’ll make Bo cry again.

So Superlad breaks in, finds the safe and then calls the cops and throws the safe onto Corrupt Cop’s car, before dashing home! Superlad triumphant!!

But not really. Because next day Corrupt Cop has posted bail and managed to frame Bo for murder. The evidence is so overwhelming that even the sleepy Smallville cops get off their butt and arrest him.

This bums Superlad out, so he heads off to find Lana and practice some more on that X-ray vision thing.

She consoles him. “Chin up, Superlad,” she says. “All families go through times of crisis at some point where somebody is framed for a grisly murder. It’s part of growing up.”

“True,” admits Superlad.

And then Lana and TIAC have a bit of a catfight for his amusement. Lana has used her powers of seduction to get TIAC’s job as editor of the paper. TIAC takes some umbrage at this. Superlad defends Lana (obviously).

“Well, it’s no surprise you’re taking her side,” hisses TIAC in a crazed fitof jealousy. “You’ve been horny as a horse in heat for her since the first episode. Look at you!”

Superlad covers his enormous erection and dashes off.

Corrupt Cop shows up again and tells Superlad that he has to help him steal the Alexander the Great Armour or else he’ll also frame Bo for running moonshine.

So they break in to the museum. And then Superlad double-crosses Corrupt Cop again by throwing the armour (with Corrupt Cop’s fingerprints all over it) outside to the police and Sinead (who just happened to be strolling past).

Corrupt Cop has by now had it with Superlad.

‘You may be strong but you won’t survive a bullet.’ Idiot.

“You are hopeless at this,” he says and shoots him. “You may be strong but you won’t survive a bullet.”

Idiot.

Then we go all Matrix and in slo-mo Superlad dodges the bullet, runs away and the cops come in and shoot Corrupt Cop.

Sinead runs over to Corrupt Cop and asks him what the goss is on Superlad!! “Tell me before you die!!” he orders.

“No way, Jose!” says Corrupt Cop and dies out of spite.

Damn! If only I could work out Superlad’s secret, thinks Sinead, apparentlyoblivious to the steel bars right beside him that have been torn apart by hand.

Back in Smallville, charges have been dropped against Bo under an obscure law relating to the wrapping up of television shows.

“But what will we do next time somebody sees me be superheroic?” asks Superlad.

“Kill them straight away,” says Bo.

“Hahahahahahaha!”

And that’s about it. Lana and TIAC kissed and made up. And TIAC got the paper back under the same law that got Bo off his murder rap.

And then, just before the credits roll, Sinead is watching the video footage of the museum break-in on his laptop. (As he does most evenings when there’s nothing on cable.) And what should he see but a mysterious superspeed blur…

His eyes narrow. His scalp baldens.

Fade to black.

Absolutely magnificent episode. Several million out of several.

Next Week: Actually another delay – but in a fortnight’s time, Superlad andWhit have it out. I know who my money’s on.

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

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