Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

It’s party time in Smallville – the kids have all gathered by a bonfire and are getting totally wasted and dancing to house music. Among them is Superlad and The Increasingly Annoying Chloe. TIAC is not only increasingly annoying, she is also becoming increasingly desperate. This is proven by the fact that when a young Vanilla Ice comes up to her and asks for her phone number she gives it to him with nary a hesitation.

Superlad can’t believe it. ‘You hopeless desperado,’ he admonishes.

‘I just want a guy to pay attention to me,’ says TIAC.

‘Haha!’ laughs Superlad, shaking his head. ‘Chicks!’

Unfortunately, though, the young Vanilla Ice, fragged from a combination of lip poppers and Kit Kats™ has wandered off from the party onto a frozen lake looking for a football that he may or may not have hallucinated. He immediately falls through the ice and freezes to death.

‘Everybody’s freeee-eeeeee-eeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee-zing’ wails DJ Olsen, possibly as a joke but most likely because he’s high on blue caps.

Next morning, after everybody has come down and the party has been dispersed by the pigs, Vanilla Ice crawls out of the frozen lake. He is blue, possibly because his baby done gone left him and a-won’t be a-comin’ back. But also because his skin is, like, really literally the colour blue. He tries to warm up in the dwindling bonfire but only succeeds in turning the fire into ice. This makes him blue also.

Elsewhere, Bo Kent is regaling everybody with his financial woes. “Why,” he asks, “in this low-inflation, low-interest environment did we agree to a 10 year fixed rate of 32% pa?”

Superlad, bored with the tedium of agricultural economics, dashes off to school, where he ridicules TIAC for having given Vanilla Ice her phone number.

“You’re such a loser,” he says. “No wonder I ignore your lust for me and instead focus on Lana’s form.”

Sinead has by now shown up at the farm and offered Ma Kent the opportunity to attend a self-help seminar, entitled Defensively Driving Your Finances. “I really think that you and Bo would get a lot out of it.” “Well, it doesn’t really sound like his thing…” says Ma. “If you promise to come, I’ll buy an artichoke off you,” says Sinead.

Ma, knowing how much the $1.50 will help, reluctantly agrees.

‘You know,’ he says. ‘Your boyfriend Whit is a total weenie.’

The day’s not over for Sinead – he zooms over to the coffee shop and bumps into Lana. “You know,” he says. “Your boyfriend Whit is a total weenie.”

“No he’s not,” protests Lana. “He’s potent and sweet. We’re off to Metropolis this weekend to see a ‘Great Moments in Chick Flicks’ exhibition! We’re going to make an American quilt!”

Then Whit shows up and says “actually, babe, the football buddies and I are going to be watching Foxy Boxing on Pay-Per-View instead.”

Sinead then ducks out to Superlad, gives him two tickets to see Huey Lewis live in concert and tells him to ask Lana. So he does, because everybody does what Sinead asks – he’s just that kind of guy.

And then?

Vanilla Ice shows up at his ex-girlfriend’s place and re-enacts the Psycho shower scene, except with no knife or blood. He just freezes her to death. He then calls up The Increasingly Desperate Chloe and says “hey, can I come hang out with you?” “Sure!!!’ she says. ‘That would be sooooo cool.” Indeed, TIAC.

Superlad and Lana are in a limo that Sinead hired to take them to see Huey. Lana says ‘you know, this isn’t really a date’. Superlad sings ‘If This Is It’ by way of response. Suddenly the limo newsreader informs them that Vanilla Ice killed his ex-wench and may now be heading off to kill TIAC.

“Oh, bloody hell,” says Superlad, wavering but then eventually deciding he should go save her. A conscience is a terrible thing. He drops Lana off at the coffee shop and promises to return.

Over at Sinead’s mansion, the self-help seminar has proven to be a typical Luthor scam. “Look here, Bo,” says Sinead. “I had to scam you to get you over here,but I rooly trooly just want to help you. Now, why don’t you just let me buy 2% of your farm for a cool $10 million?”

“Yes, that all sounds fine, Sinead,” says Bo. “But you’re not going to trick me into giving me all that money. I’m awake to your wily ways…”

Superlad has shown up and rescued TIAC but Vanilla Ice has escaped. “Oh, bloody hell!!” says a very frustrated Superlad. “You are so annoying!”

Even moreso because Whit’s shown up at the coffee shop and is taking Lana home for a spanking. They’re driving home so we all know what happens next.

Yup. They run into Vanilla Ice and crash their car.

…they chat amiably with the Kents about the Dewey Decimal system.

Luckily, Superlad dashes to the rescue and drops them off at Sinead’s house where they chat amiably with the Kents about the Dewey Decimal system.

Then Superlad rushes back out and punches Vanilla Ice into the lake where he freezes to death (but this time, you know, properly and not in a resurrectable sense).

Next day Superlad goes up to Lana at school and says “Hey, babely one. Sorry I didn’t come back to the coffee shop last night.”

“No, that’s fine,” says Lana.

“We should go see Bananarama this weekend.”

“Oh no, Whit and I are off for a weekend of frenzied sex.“

“Ahhhhhhhhh….” says Superlad. “Why do you go out with him?”

“Oh, you know, because he’s always there when I need him. You know, like how you’re not so much there. Like at the coffee shop last night. When you didn’t come back after you said you would. Geddit?”

And even without her Kryptonecklace, Superlad goes down.

“And of course he’s dynamite in the sack,” she adds, wandering off sexily while Superlad writhes in agony.

Funny stuff.

Next Week: A soothsayer says the sooth. and assorted futures are revealed. For example, she sees ‘shocking red underwear worn fragrantly and without shame’ in Superlad’s future. She also predicts that Chloe will become increasingly annoying and foresees an automobile accident of some kind…

Discuss this episode at KryptonSite

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