Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

Dear Dr Dan,
I am thinking of having a face lift, but I am afraid that once the doctor has made the incision, my face might slip off my head and fall onto the surgery floor, where it will be accidently trodden onby a nurse wearing green Wellington boots, thereby leaving permanent sole tread marks on my face once they clean it and sow it back on my head. Is this a valid concern?
– Worried

Dear Worried,
Your concern is extremely valid and your nomenclature is more correct than perhaps even you know. I have recently uncovered statistics that show that from 1st January, 1976 to 24th August, 1988 the type of incident you refer to occurred precisely zero times. However, from 25th August, 1988 to 18th July, 2000, it occurred one time. This is an increase of infinity percent!! If this trend continues, I expect an infinite number of such occurrences over the next twelve years. Be very wary. I suggest that instead of having a face lift, you have a body drop.

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