Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard

The final Dawson for the year… and my word, what a Dawson! Kid Flash, Ah Joey and the Paceman are still locked in their bitter love triangle. So, naturally, Paceman decides to go sailing around the world.

Paceman’s policeman brother dobs on him to Ah Joey (he pulls her over and gives her a warning for driving with her cute dimples on high beam before telling her of the Paceman’s plans). So Ah Joey tracks down Paceman and accuses him of running away from the situation and behaving immaturely. ‘Am not,’ says Paceman.

Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Flash are getting married again. In a sign of how friendless and pathetic Mrs Flash is, she has asked Ah Joey to be her bridesmaid. Kid Flash is of course the best man. So they have a few wedding rehearsals where Ah Joey is all grumpy.

Also all grumpy is Chipmunk Face who is not talking to Chipmunk Boy because he’s going off to footy camp with the boys, rather than staying home all summer to service her. Chipmunk Face, Gay Jack and Crazy Andy get together with Chipmunk Face’s grandmother and the three youngsters mope about how screwed up their lives are. This inspires Grams to tell a story entitled ‘How The Chipmunk Clan Got The Slut Gene’. This tale recalls how, after initial shyness, a much younger Grams kissed a sailor, thus initiating the slutlike behaviour that has permeated her lineage ever since. She ends her tale by saying ‘I’ve never regretted my whore-like behaviour. Can any of you say the same?’

‘No!’ responds Chipmunk Face, as they’re driving home. ‘Well, then,’ says Grams. ‘Let’s find that young boy who looks so very much like a chipmunk and you can tell him how much you want to bang him.’ And she does a handbrake skid, knocking over a small child, before accelerating away like a Duke brother in the General Lee, in the faint hope of finding the footy camp bus Chipmunk Boy is inhabiting. It appears that Grams is high as a kite on mescaline.

You’ve made your choice. Hasta la vista.

So, the Flash family get married again, with Flash looking resplendent in his bright red uniform. Paceman crashes the wedding and asks Ah Joey whether she’ll ask him to stay. She says that she can’t do that because it would hurt the penis-less lad. ‘Rightey-o,’ says Paceman. ‘You’ve made your choice. Hasta la vista.’ And off he goes.

Meanwhile, the Chipmunks have reunited and Chipmunk Face tries to tell Chipmunk Boy that despite the fact that she’s slept with several thousand men, she’s still, in many ways, a virgin. Chipmunk Boy is so stupid that he falls for this and the pair are reconciled.

They then try the same trick with Gay Jack, who as we recall last week had been behaving in a not properly gay fashion by not kissing his male prom date. So they drive him to where his date is, Not Properly Gay Jack goes the pash, thereby becoming Properly Gay Jack but then his prospective boyfriend tells him that it’s not on, because he’s just got back with his ex-boyfriend. Properly Gay Jack is disappointed and feels like an idiot.

The idiot that is Kid ‘Dawson’ Flash, meanwhile, takes Ah Joey aside and attempts to play a few reverse psychology games on her. Earlier in the episode, Ah Joey had told Kid Flash that she’d only dumped Paceman to salvage their (AJ and KF’s) friendship and that, if she thought that the friendship wasn’t at risk, she’d probably still be over the Paceman like a really cute rash. So Kid Flash, penis-less twit that he is, after rambling mysteriously on about Paris for a while says ‘Fine then. If you really want to be with Paceman, be with him. Sure, it will destroy me emotionally but I understand that I have no penis and we will still be friends despite the massive damage that you will have done to my psyche by choosing him over me.’

‘Wizard!’ exclaims Ah Joey and runs off to The Paceman where she tells him she loves him and the two sail off into the sunset.

(Also, it should be noted that Properly Gay Jack’s homophobic father is no longer even properly homophobic. When Gay Jack told him that he (Gay Jack) had been rejected, Not Properly Homophobic Dad then hugged him and said that he was proud that his son Gay Jack was properly gay and a real boy. So, it just goes to show that over the course of this season, everybody has grown in many and varied ways.

Except for Dawson, who remains a tosser.

Next Week: Well, of course, there is no next week.

That’s all folks.

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