Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard

Well, it’s Prom Night at Dawson this week. I missed the first bit because I was out and my stupid VCR didn’t record (primarily because I forgot to put the tape in) but it’s all very easy to piece together.

Gay Jack, breaking gay barriers in his own inimitable fashion decided to invite his Just Good Gay Friend to the prom, but the school board, sorely missing the Cool Black Principal and his easy-going ‘tude, banned such a notion, possibly because they feared that they (Gay Jack and JGGF) would perform lewd, anal sex inspired interpretations of We Are Family on the dance floor (as I said, I missed this bit, so this may not be accurate.)

Kid Flash decided to set up a prom that gay people were allowed to attend. He also stretched the rules to allow the incredibly cute, the completely crazy, the rodent-like and the penis-less to attend also. Foolishly, he also left a loophole that allowed Paceman to attend provided he knew the lyrics to Kenny Loggins’ Footloose. Paceman knew and side-shoed his way into the prom, escorting Crazy Andy. (Kid Flash had made sure that he had Ah Joey by buying her services with some earrings he stole from his mother (again, not exactly sure this is right, but I’m sure it’s close).)

… she started to cry and withdrew her vague prick-teasing offer.

So we’re at the prom, Gay Jack is suddenly behaving not properly gay at all and is embarrassed about bringing his JGGF to the prom. He puts him in the corner and insists he wears a very butch Marlon Brando mask. Meanwhile, the Chipmunks are squabbling again. Apparently, Girl Chipmunk had been teasing Boy Chipmunk about the prospect of sex after the prom but he wanted to go to footy camp instead and so she started to cry and withdrew her vague prick-teasing offer.

Kid Flash is dancing with Ah Joey, pulling faces at The Paceman and going ‘I have Ah Joey. I have Ah Joey’ in a sing-song voice. Kid Flash heads off for a quick game of Whist with Gay Jack’s JGGF (because he thinks he’s the real Marlon Brando) and Paceman and Ah Joey take the opportunity to have a dance of their own. Wisely, they choose the lambada. Kid Flash comes back, sees them and has one of his mental freak-out attacks. Crazy Andy starts to cry, so no surprises there.

So, a bit more squabbling. Not Properly Gay Jack refuses to kiss his JGGF. Ah Joey says she can’t choose between the penis-less Dawson and the upright young citizen that is Paceman. She’s not so bright, Ah Joey. Cute, but not bright. Chipmunks vow never to speak to one another again. And that’s about it. Except… Flash and Mrs Flash have decided to get married again! So that’s very exciting.

A pretty good episode, from what I could gather. I give it a B plus and look very much forward to…

Next Week: The Season Finale!! Invite your friends around for the final Dawson File of the year. Mr and Mrs Flash get married (here’s hoping Flasheroo dons the red lightning suit for old time’s sake), Not Properly Gay Jack becomes properly gay and slips the tongue to his JGGF. Paceman and Kid Flash fight to the death with flick-knives, while Ah Joey and Crazy Andy don ski masks and beat up the chipmunks. Don’t miss it.

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