Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard

Well, this week on The Lost Adventures of Kid Flash, Kid Flash, Chipmunk Face, Ah Joey and The Paceman all decided to wander over to a haunted island. A whole heap of nonsense ensued about how people died on the haunted island and if Kid Flash and friends weren’t careful they would be next. All kinds of spooky subplots here, mysterious happenings and noises and flames and the like. I’m sure you can imagine.

With that as a backdrop we delved deeper into a pair of relationships. Joey had a whinge to Kid Flash about the fact that they’re drifting apart because he is just being an incredible unit. In a flashback kind of sequence we were reminded that Joey once took her top off and offered herself to the young Flash lad, but he knocked her back. The lesson being, of course, that Dawson has no brains at all. So Joey complains about their relationship but, as always with Dawson, this is done pseudo-obliquely via reference to a couple that died on the island. ‘What happened to the couple?’ Joey would ask. ‘Do you think that the guy was the son of a Scarlet Speedster and had no penis and knocked back sex with the incredibly cute girl for reasons that elude the entire viewing audience?’ This kind of obliqueness is what draws us back week after week.

Meanwhile, The Paceman and Chipmunk Face have come to the conclusion that love sucks and sex is wizard, and so decided to have a bit of rumpy-pumpy. There is a theory that this could be due to a love spell that Chipmunk Face cast on the Pacester as a bit of a joke. But nobody knows for sure. Anyhow, they don’t actually get it on because the aforementioned spookiness kicks in and they get scared and run off. But they later make an agreement to get it on whenever either of them feels the need. Which seems eminently sensible to me.

Crazy Andy’s eyes spin around in her head …

Equi-meanwhile, Crazy Andy has gone, well, crazy again. In a very, very funny sequence she’s become some kind of hall monitor and is giving everybody detention for minor offences such as late library books and vehicular manslaughter. Ha ha ha. Eventually, Cool Black Principal shows up and puts a stop to it, as you’d expect. Crazy Andy’s eyes spin around in her head and the notch moves up a new level.

And that’s kind of it. We’re left with a mystery at the end when two mysterious (obviously) figures are spotted on Dawson’s film of the little excursion (of course he made a film about it… he’s Dawson, remember?). Is it the dead lovers eventually together, providing a beautiful omen for Joey and Kid Flash and the eventual success of their long and angst-ridden relationship? Or is it just two other people? Who can say? Personally, I think it’s Gay Jack (who otherwise has again been absent for the entire episode) and the Bad Girl who fell off the pier and drowned last year. Or possibly The Captain and Tenille.

Then Kid Flash apologised for taking Joey’s friendship for granted. Which was awfully nice. But he still failed to assuage her throbbing sexual needs. What a twit.

That’s all.

Next Week: The Paceman has sex with a chipmunk!! Ew, gross. Also, Chipmunk’s mum comes to visit. No word on whether Pacey sleeps with her, but the smart money says he will.

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