Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Starring Dawson Leery (James Van Der Beek) as Kid Flash/Mr Tosser/Dunstan, Joey Potter (Katie Holmes) as Ah Joey, Jen Lindley (Michelle Williams) as Chipmunk Face, Pacey Witter (Joshua Jackson) as The Paceman, Jack McPhee (Kerr Smith) as Gay Jack, Andie McPhee (Meredith Monroe) as Crazy Andy and Grams (Mary Beth Peil) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard

This is the greatest show ever!!

A brilliantly sublime episode. Let’s see…

Dawson was shooting a documentary about Gay Jack and his footballing career, much to the disapproval of his father (who you will recall is the football team coach and wants his team focussed on the game). Meanwhile, Pacey and Joey (who are now best friends it seems) cut class to go pick up a package from the post office. Pacey has a surprise to show Ah Joey who does her incredibly cute annoyed look when Pacey refuses to tell her what the surprise is. Before he can show her, they’re caught wandering down the road by CBP (Cool Black Principal).

Meanwhile, Chipmunk Face has quit the cheerleading squad because an auction was being held for the right to kiss her and she considered this a sexist, and chipmunkist, affront. CBP contacts Crazy Andy and tells her he wants to see her in his office on Monday about a disciplinary issue. Crazy Andy of course immediately panics.

Despite his father’s pleas, Dawson shoots his Gay Jack story and it is aired on national TV (no, seriously!). Dawson’s dad loses it, pointing out to Dawson that now the entire opposition team will be able to target Gay Jack who was previously a secret, homosexual weapon. Dawson confesses that he didn’t think of that, but goes straight on the offensive by accusing his dad of driving Andy crazy. He then realises that was last week’s episode and that was Pacey, to boot. So he accuses his dad of being a crap father, claiming that he (Dawson) is the true adult in the household, a somewhat dubious assessment.

Pacey and Ah Joey … [are] … squabbling … in a way that appears to me to foreshadow some future romantic spark.

Cut to the football game. Gay Jack is getting hammered by the opposition. Chipmunk Face has relented and decided to allow herself to be kissed, because the money is going to go to the local orphanage (oh, yes it was). Pacey and Ah Joey have to form the team mascot, a mule of some description… and they’re squabbling about that, in a way that appears to me to foreshadow some future romantic spark. Crazy Andy is preparing to confess to CBP about her cheating on the PSATs (last week… pay attention, people… there will be a quiz in two weeks time).

Okay, so it’s halftime, Gay Jack is a gibbering wreck and the team is down by 21 points, but Dawson has a plan… In the most cunning piece of strategy since… since… I don’t know… the invasion of Poland, Dawson proposes the following scheme:

1. Cover the players’ numbers with mud, so the opposition won’t know which one is Jack, and

2. Cover their faces with makeup, provided by the cheerleaders!!!!!

This strategy (hereafter known as ‘Hide the Homo’) works an absolute bloody treat. The poofter-bashing strategy of the opposition falls completely apart in the face of such overt mascara and Gay Jack leads the team to a magnificent victory on the back of a pass from Chipmunk Leonardo di Caprio Quarterback.

CLdCQ then reveals that he was the one who paid the money to kiss Chipmunk Face. The chipmunks kiss in a beautiful moment that reminds me of the little known Disney film Chip and Dale: The Gay Bondage Sessions. It is revealed that Pacey and Ah Joey managed to palm their mascot duties off on somebody else and had headed off to repair a boat (Pacey’s somewhat sad surprise) that Pacey had found somewhere (no, I don’t know either). Dawson’s dad tells Dawson that he cried all day the day Dawson was born. (No prizes for guessing why.) And Crazy Andy begins her confession but aborts it very amusingly when she realises that CBP was not onto her cheating at all.

An absolutely superb episode. I give it a 98. (And that’s out of 10!!)

Next Week: Joey loses her job. Dawson tries to find out what the stripper temptress’s story is. Pacey sets himself on fire. (Possibly) Do not miss it.

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