Dan Liebke's Astonishing Tales

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Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

Great Moons of Krypton, Smallville. A double episode? Are you trying to kill me?

Never mind. At least it’s a Lana-free double episode. So, things are not all bad. Tell you what – we’ll get one half of the double episode out of the road first and then come back to the other half a bit later.

We open with TIAC leaving a message for Superlad. It’s her usual try-hard doublespeak, but the nub of her gist is that she wants the Justice League to get together for a meeting. Ostensibly to organise themselves, but more likely so she can admire the beefcake. (Although why GA insists on baking beefcakes and bringing them to the meetings, nobody knows – old Queen family recipe or not, cow flesh and vanilla icing just don’t mix.)

Luckily, her rambling is interrupted by power failure and the ominous appearance of Sylvester Pemberton, who long-time fans of obscure Earth-2 DC Heroes will know as Skyman, aka The Star Spangled Kid.

He tells TIAC that he knows she’s trying to get the Justice League together and, eerily, he is also trying to reconvene a team of superbeings. But before he can elaborate on whether or not he’s got a hankering for beefcakes, the air grows worryingly cold. Rather than urge TIAC to don a scarf, Skyman instead hurls her into a nearby dumpster.

“Stay down,” he orders, and proceeds to have a budget-saving, off-screen fight with some ice-wielding supervillain. So, presumably, Captain Cold or Mister Freeze or Sharon Stone, circa Basic Instinct (technically, icepick-wielding, but let’s not get bogged down in details – this is Smallville, after all).

Once the budget supervisor for the episode decrees that no expensive ice CGI effects need be shown any more, TIAC leaps out of the dumpster to find Skyman all impaled with ice spears.

“I’m going to die now,” he says. “But before I do, I’d just like to impart an air of suspense and mystery by revealing that they’ll be coming after you next.”

“Who?” says TIAC. “Who’s coming?”

But before Skyman can answer, the opening credits begin and by the time they’re done, he’s dead.

Which is irritating. But toe-tapping.

After the credits, Superlad meets up with TIAC at the hospital, where she gives him grief about not returning phone calls.

“I didn’t want to talk to you,” he says. “You prattle on like an idiot.”

“No need for apologies,” says TIAC, not really listening. “I know you’re busy pursuing Lois’s form and preventing Metropolis crime and leading a race of Kandorians.”

“Dude,” says Superlad, looking around worriedly. For there are a myriad of nurses and doctors wandering around who could have heard any of that. He’s not Bo-level fanatical about the secret identity thing, but there’s a minimum standard.

But TIAC’s no longer paying attention. She’s seen the belongings of the late Skyman being bagged and so uses her mobile phone to suck the data out of his mobile phone. There’s an app for that! Superlad, eye on the alternative picture, hits on some sobbing piece of blonde crumpet.

“My friend was murdered,” she says. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, would you like to sit down with me and talk about it?” says Superlad. He gestures to a nearby grieving stool. “But, first, can I just confirm you’re not my cousin?”

But before Superlad can continue with the moves, the girl sees his press badge (‘My name is Sooperlad. I right storys for the Dayly Planet’) and flees.

Only after getting the outfit on, does the Golden Age Sandman realise his late-night visitor isn't Sharon Stone

So instead TIAC sends Superlad on a mission to find Wesley Dodds, who was apparently the last person Skyman spoke to, telephone-wise. Wesley is, of course, the Golden Age Sandman, so after a dream about Skyman being murdered, he suits up to face Sharon Stone, who has shown up to murder him too.

“Aren’t we supposed to have sex first?” says Golden Age Sandman.

“Y’know, I’m not Sharon Stone,” says the villain.

“Engh,” says Golden Age Sandman. He can’t be picky.

But the ice villain can be picky. He murders Golden Age Sandman with one of his ice spear things. Naturally, Superlad shows up too late to stop this. Shouldn’t have stopped for that burrito.

Back at TIAC HQ, GA shows up to have TIAC badger him about the Justice League stuff.

“We need to have more meetings,” she says. “In full, skin-tight uniforms.”

“I’ll bake some beefcakes,” says GA, sending an SMS to his butcher.

“Sure,” says TIAC. “Whatever.” She brings GA up to speed on the Skyman death and instructs him to steal the glowing staff that Skyman carried around with him in the opening scene and which I forgot to mention then.

“Can’t I interrogate the blonde piece of crumpet instead?” says GA.

“Not in this timeslot,” says TIAC, who knows exactly how GA ‘interrogates’ nubile young starlets.

Hey, we haven’t had Dr Spectacles lord it over TIAC for a few episodes, have we? So let’s do that. He performs an autopsy on Golden Age Sandman.

“I’ve analysed the ice that was found in his wounds (using spectral analysis to isolate and remove the traces of burrito juice that Superlad let drip all over his corpse). I am able to confirm that the ice contains human DNA, which implies we can’t possibly be dealing with Sharon Stone. And, no, TIAC, we’re not dealing with Captain Cold or Mr Freeze, either. My calibrated carbon dating of the genetic code reveals that we are dealing with a Golden Age supervillain named The Icicle.”

TIAC jots this down in her laptop.

“I’ve already emailed you these results,” he says. “Re-entering it will just waste valuable time.” He goes on to note that the murder scene had the initials JSA tagged on it.

“Clearly some up-and-coming graffiti artiste,” says TIAC. Dr Spectacles says nothing. He’s done enough for one episode, surely. Besides, the more wrong guesses TIAC makes now, the more brilliant he looks later. He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose in eyewear-nudging triumph.

So off to the Daily Planet archives, which contains startling old-time footage of the JSA being arrested on a variety of trumped up charges (‘resisting arrest during the Byrne riots of 1986′, ‘being the CEO of a broadcasting network’ and ‘wearing a saucepan on one’s head as part of a superhero costume’ to name but three).

Superlad reads through the files and discovers that the JSA members all stuck together in the face of these criminal charges, providing false alibis for one another and, hence, as the legal system decrees, were eventually set free.

“I admire their loyalty to one another,” says Superlad. “Also, their no-nonsense haircuts.”

“Never mind that,” says TIAC. “You need to go find Carter Hall (aka The Golden Age Hawkman). He was the next person Skyman called. Track him down.”

Superlad zips off.

“And no stopping for burritos!”

So off Superlad scoots to Hawkman’s museum, stomach rumbling the whole way. He looks around for a bit.

“Museum’s closed,” says Hawkman.

“Where I come from,” says Superlad. “If you can jimmy open a door to a place, you’re welcome to wander straight in and poke around.”

“You’re from Smallville then,” says Hawkman. But Superlad’s lost interest in this conversation. Instead, he’s focussed on a crazy old street bum gibbering away in the corner.

He uses the old X-Ray peepers to see what the crazy old man is holding in his bag. And, hey, wouldn’t ya know it? It’s the helmet of Dr Fate. The helmet turns in the bag and stares back at Superlad. Overcome with awkwardness, Superlad leaves.

But, hey, look how things are turning out for GA. He couldn’t find Skyman’s staff thingy. But he did manage to bump into the blonde piece of crumpet who, it turns out, has just stolen it. Convenient. GA squirts on some cologne. Looks like it’s interrogatin’ time for the G-Man, after all.

But while he’s busily stretching his pecs and warming up his chin cleft, the crazy old man shows up and teleports himself, the blonde piece of crumpet and the glowing staff away.

Back at Hawkman’s museum, the blonde piece of crumpet is trying to convince Hawkman that they should do something about, y’know, the dude who’s trying to kill them all. Hawkman can’t be bothered and isn’t frightened to say so.

“I can’t be bothered,” he says, fearlessly.

“Please don’t make me ask those idiots in the Justice League for help,” says the blonde piece of crumpet.

Now, that is a frightening prospect, so Hawkman instead agrees to help her track down The Icicle. He also urges crazy old Kent Nelson to put on the Dr Fate helmet. He does so, and the crazy goes away – just as The Psychiatric Journal of Egyptian Helmet Medicine predicted.

“Greetings, Hawkman,” he intones.

“Dr Fate!” gasps the blonde piece of crumpet.

“Greetings, Crumpet.”

Hawkman also suits up, remarking that it’s been a long time since he made somebody bleed. He caresses his mace lovingly. So that’s not at all creepy or disturbing.

By this stage, Superlad and TIAC have somehow shown up in the mental institution where The Icicle is supposed to be incarcerated. Who should also be there but Dr Fate, sucking out information from The Icicle’s mind.

“Hey, Yeller-Head,” says Superlad. “What are you doing?”

Superlad grabs him, which allows the good Doctor to see his cape-filled future.

“You are of value, Superlad Kent,” he intones. And he teleports Superlad away.

TIAC contacts GA. “Dr Fate kidnapped Superlad,” she says. Which is an accurate and surprisingly succinct summary of the situation.

Hmm, thinks the stalking Green Arrow. Blonde piece of crumpet plus super-heroine costume equals an opportunity to impress with a somersault

“Can’t talk now,” says GA, on a rooftop, costumed up and somersaulting for no clear reason. “That blonde piece of crumpet has donned some kind of superhero uniform in tribute to Skyman. I think it’s time I interrogated her.”

“There’s no time for that!” says TIAC.

“You’re cutting out,” says GA. He makes a static noise from the side of his mouth and hangs up.

He needlessly somersaults down beside her. “Hey, Crumpet,” he says. ” Lookin’ good.”

“I know you are, but what am I?” she says. “No, wait. That doesn’t work.”

But before she can come up with a better witty rejoinder, The Icicle attacks. Needless to say, GA crumbles like a glorified Robin Hood wannabe, but the blonde piece of crumpet – now officially known as Stargirl – and The Icicle have a highly choreographed ice-lance/glowing-staff battle which ends with them both being hurled back from the force of their combined energy.

The Icicle regains his feet first and goes to shoot Stargirl with one of his ice shards. But GA’s found his feet (still safely stored inside his boots, which makes sense) and shoots an arrow which shatters the ice shard and saves Stargirl from certain death. The Icicle scarpers.

“You stupid idiot,” says Stargirl, whirling on GA. “I was supposed to have first shot at Skyman’s murderer.” She glowers with crumpety fury.

“Oh, I get it,” says GA. “You’re fiery crumpet. That’s okay. You can interrogate me.”

But before she can respond to this offer, Hawkman swoops in, picks him up and hurls him through the window of TIAC’s HQ.

“Stay out of our business,” says Hawkman. “Hit on your own piece of blonde crumpet.”

GA looks at TIAC and bursts out laughing. “Yeah,” he says. “Right.”

But Hawkman’s already flown off.

TIAC’s peeved that GA wouldn’t even consider hitting on her. “These dudes are too good for us,” she says. “I should just give up on bringing the band together. We’re a lost cause.”

“Whoa!” says GA. “Don’t give up on us just yet. For one thing, I didn’t even know we were starting a band. I call lead guitar. Now, let’s get some reinforcements, sign up Superlad and throw them through some windows. We can be the new Who!”

“Who?” says TIAC.

“Exactly.”

And after a nine minute Abbott and Costello routine, the rest of the band Justice League is called, starting with J’onn J’onnz on bass.

Meanwhere, Superlad has woken up in the Justice Society trophy room. As you’d expect from a Smallvillean lad, he makes himself at home, pulling off drop sheets, opening up closets, running his grubby fingers over the glass. Eventually, he pulls a table cloth off a table and discovers it’s not the Justice Society trophy room at all. It’s the Justice Society Headquarters. The music swells triumphantly.

Eventually Hawkman swoops in. “Dr Fate says you’re kickass,” he says. “Frankly, I don’t see it.”

“He’s not like the others,” says Dr Fate. “Superlad’s path is righteous.”

“If he’s okay with Dr Fate,” says Stargirl. “He’s okay with me.”

“Well, all right,” says Superlad. He frowns for a second. “You’re not my cousin, are you?”

Next Time: The second half of this epic Justice League-Justice Society team up. Let’s also hope that the Legion of Superheroes can be squeezed in somewhere too. Because we’re going to need all the superpowers we can muster to defeat the dread menace of, uh, the dude with powers equivalent to the ice guy back in Season One who Superlad took out by himself.

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In the smash hit single When I’m Sixty-Four by plucky up-and-coming Liverpudlian band The Beatles (note the unusual spelling – a trap for inexperienced music journalists), was Sir Paul McCartney genuinely worried that his geriatry would be punished by starvation? (‘Will you still feed me, When I’m sixty-four?’)

If so, what startling prescience of the nuances of his future marriage to Heather Mills. Also, a sensible explanation as to why McCartney was burdened with the bulk of the knee-work for grandchildren Vera, Chuck and Dave.

Link to LA X (Part 2).

Number-crunching to follow.

1. LA X (Part One)
2. LA X (Part Two)

LA X (Part One)

Character Breakdown - Episode 601

After last season’s all-nukin’ finale, we open on Oceanic 815 (again! come on writers, try something new for once in your by-the-numbers lives!). But this time, there’s no crash, mostly because ocean-dwelling cameras reveal that the island has been sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Ha ha ha! Take that, you stupid island. So, huzzah! The Doc’s plan to reset everything (shamelessly pilfered from the recently slaughtered Faraday in the usual manner of most scientific breakthroughs) is a breathtaking triumph. Except, uh, for the timeline where it isn’t. Because it turns out that The Doc, Kate, Hurley, Sawyer, Jin and Miles are also, in some needlessly confusing sense, still on the island. This other timeline is one of those bad news, good news situations. Bad news – Sayid’s dying of a bullet wound. Juliet’s dying of a plummet-down-a-large-hole-in-the-ground wound and Locke’s possessed by Jacob’s murderer, the evil Man In Black, who also, it turns out, is the Smoke Monster, who seems hellbent on some kind of murderous rampage. However, good news – everybody seems more or less unscathed from the, uh, hydrogen bomb they set off. Also, they’re no longer trapped in 1977, so if they can sort this mess out and get back to civilisation, they can all get iPads™.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Faraday (+37%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Jin (-74%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Ben (+3%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

LA X (Part Two)

Character Breakdown - Episode 602

Well, Oceanic’s safety record may be vastly improved in the new nuke-induced reality, but their baggage handling reputation could still use some much-needed work. Because it turns out the airline has lost The Doc’s dead dad’s coffin. Also, Locke’s knives. And, uh, Kate the fugitive. So, the title ‘Lost’ takes on a thrilling new mislaid-luggage-centric meaning in this parallel timeline. Meanwhile, back in the original timeline, the gang head off to the temple where Hurley assures everybody else that Sayid can be saved. Which he eventually is, but only after some breaking of giant guitar case-dwelling ankhs, a determined refusal by The King of the Temple to speak the English language and a spirited Sayid death scene. “Wait,” says The Doc. “Didn’t you clowns say you could prevent Sayid from dying of the bullet wound?” “Indeed,” says the Temple Translator and goes on to point out that they’d drowned him to death instead. The Doc curses. Got them on a technicality. But before the debate over the fine print of their agreement can get too hostile, Sayid rises from the dead. Which should certainly help mimimise the lawyer fees.

When You Crunch The Numbers: Over the last five episodes, Sun (+55%) has been Lost’s MVP (most valuable player). Jin (-70%) has been LVP (least valuable player). Jack (-3%) has been MIP (most indifferent player).

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In their smash hit single Elenore, ’60s troubadours The Turtles express their love for the titular Elenore as follows:

Elenore, gee I think you’re swell
And you really do me well
You’re my pride and joy, etcetera

‘Etcetera’?? ‘Etcetera’?? Brilliance. I mean, I’d have been overcome with giddiness at the thought of wooing someone with the underused adjective that is ’swell’. But they effortlessly top themselves with the magnificently half-hearted ‘etcetera’.

I, for one, am saddened that other bands of the era didn’t pick up the lyrical laziness gauntlet thrown down by those zany, but well-groomed, Turtlers and usher in a thrilling new era of half-assedry:

“Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. Take a sad song and, y’know, whatever…”

“There is a house in New Orleans, they call the Rising something…”

… and, y’know, whatever other examples you lot come up with. I can’t be bothered thinking about it any more.

Etcetera.

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Starring Clark Kent (Tom Welling) as Superlad, Lex Luthor (Michael Rosenbaum) as Sinead, Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) as TIAC, Jonathan Kent (John Schneider) as Bo, Martha Kent (Annette O’Toole) as Boring Old Ma, Lionel Luthor (John Glover) as Porthos, Kara Kent (Laura Vandervoort) as SBH and Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) as herself. For more information on these people and more, consult the scorecard.

We left off last time with the spine-hanging clifftingler of Superlad and Major (snicker) Zod seemingly joining forces. So, naturally, we pick up now with an episode all about, uh, Green Arrow.

Sure, why not. Anyhoo, we open with Superlad and Lois leaving some charity theatre showing of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. Superlad is not impressed.

“I don’t like stories that focus too heavily on secondary characters,” he says. “You should stick to the main attraction. That’s what people come to see. Not supporting casts taking over the whole damn show.”

Lois ignores him and instead rambles on drunkenly about how this was their first outing as a couple and how she’d shown affection to Superlad by holding his hand and how every single one of the tequila shots she’d downed during the evening had gone to charity. She ends the spiel by vomiting in an alley.

“That wasn’t my hand, y’know,” says Superlad, helpfully. “But, that’s okay. I still got a sense of affection.”

“I want to get this relationship right,” says Lois, wiping the side of her mouth. “I don’t think we should have sex tonight.” She spits out some bile.

“Yeah. No risk there,” says Superlad. And to get away from his upchucking date, his super-hearing kicks in and hears trouble afoot. “You can look after your vomiting yourself, can’t you?” he says, zipping off before we can get a response.

Lois stumbles to her feet and clambers into a car. It refuses to start, presumably because it has one of those breath test sensor devices built in. Lois, muttering to herself, gets out and drunkenly starts tinkering with the engine.

“Wait a second,” she eventually mumbles. “This isn’t my car.”

Which is just as well, because this one’s got an arrow in the front of it. An arrow recently shot there by a mysterious moonlit figure atop a nearby building.

“Grow up GA!” she screams in an inebriated slur and starts to run off. But the hooded figure shoots her in the back and she slumps into unconsciousness.

Take that, ya stupid ninja sidekick!

After the opening credits, we return to GA meditating without a shirt on. Like most meditation sessions, this one’s interrupted by a ninja. And like most meditatees, GA reacts with swift fury, strangling the ninja to within an inch (aka 2.5 cm) of her life.

“Wait, GA,” says the ninja. “I’m not a ninja at all. I’m your nascent sidekick Speedy from Episode Six!”

“What season?”

“This season.”

“Okay then,” says GA. He lets her live. “But it’s a damn good thing you weren’t from Season Seven.”

She goes on to explain that she only dressed as a ninja because it would help her take him by surprise. Also, it’s kinda kinky-hot. GA nods in agreement. She then goes on to point out that GA overreacted by attempting to throttle her to death. She adds, with ominously clunky dialogue, that it was almost… well, almost as if GA wasn’t himself.

But before GA can pick up on this laboured observation, his phone rings. Like the slave to tradition he’s become, he answers it.

It’s TIAC, wanting to know if he’s shirtless.

“I am,” says GA.

“Excellent.”

Over to the Kent farm where Major (snicker) Zod and Superlad have a chinwag. Zod, as always, is going on about the fruit, babbling this time about apples. He eventually segues into the point, which is that he and the rest of the Kandorians need Superlad to help them regain their powers.

“I don’t know how to help you gain the powers,” says Superlad.

“Surely it’s a mystery we can solve together,” says Zod. “You are, after all, the son of Krypton’s greatest scientist.”

Superlad shrugs. “Sometimes these things skip a generation.”

That’s not good enough for Zod. “If you don’t help us get our powers back, then we will be forced to take action ourselves, sooner or later.”

“But most likely later, right?” says Superlad. “Because I hear we’ve got a kickass Justice Society double episode coming up. Also, an episode where Lois dresses up like Wonder Woman. Yowsers!”

“Yes,” agrees Zod. “Most likely later.” That settled, Superlad receives a phone call about Lois. He zips over to the Lana Mannequin Memorial Wing of Smallville Hospital.

Lois is in bed, her arm in a sling. “I’m okay,” she says. “Some psycho obviously wanted to get on the front page of the Daily Planet, so he shot the ace reporter.”

“He shot Steve too?” says Superlad. They have to stop this maniac. He turns back to Lois. “Did you see what he looked like?”

“Yep,” says Lois. “Looked like GA.”

Outside, GA and TIAC have essentially the same conversation.

“And he shot Steve too?” says GA.

TIAC doesn’t bother correcting him. Instead she shows GA some X-rays and points out that if the arrow had been just a centimetre (aka 0.4 of an inch) to the left, it would have severed an artery, killing her before the opening credits had even finished!

“So this guy’s a dud shot,” says GA. “Or, perhaps…” He ponders for a moment. “Perhaps he meant to hit her there, which I’ve just remembered is a specific point on the human body that is purpose-designed for archers to take down fleeing ex-girlfriends without killing them. Which would make him one of the best archers on the planet.” He shrugs again. “Or he was trying to kill her and he’s a dud shot. Impossible to know for sure, really.”

“Do you want to see the arrow?” says TIAC.

“Nope,” says GA. He’s seen loads of arrows.

But TIAC’s already shoving a picture of it in his face.  GA recognises it as being the arrow used by his mentor in both archery and shirtlessness. He doesn’t tell TIAC this, figuring she’ll discover it herself when the script calls for it. And, besides, it’d be nice to be the most plot-knowledgeable person in the episode for once.

Back at the hospital, Major (snicker) Zod’s popped in to visit Lois. He jokes about how he’s a friend of Superlad’s and how he was in the hospital donating blood and how he thought he’d pop in and say ‘hi’.

“Hi!” he says.

Lois doesn’t get it (the Kryptonian sense of humour is far too dry for her tastes), so takes him at face value. ”Hi,” she says back.

“Superlad must have mentioned me,” he says. “My name’s Zod.”

“Nope,” says Lois. Although isn’t there a Flash villain called Grodd? she wonders.

“Well, you may not have heard of me, but I’ve heard all about you,” says Zod. “And you’re as hot as Superlad’s candid photographs suggest.” He smiles. “Less blurry, though.”

They dance ominously around various topics. (Not literally, obviously. Lois is still bedridden and in no mood for dancing.) Zod gives her a random Kryptonian good luck charm and promises to take her out one night when she’s healed up and tell her all about the real Superlad.

“Tequila’s on me,” says Lois.

“So I hear,” says Zod.

Surveillance photos on the wall, who is the handsomest of them all?

Back to GA HQ, where he and Speedy are looking at a veritable wall-load of surveillance photos of GA from the past week.

“Oh, I get it,” says Speedy. “You’re trying to see if you can spot somebody who might have been following you. Right?”

“Um, yeah,” says GA. “Sure.” And he has to admit it’s an excellent side-benefit to his little wallpapering project.

Meanwhile, jealous of all the attention Lois has been getting, TIAC also gets herself shot by an arrow. Superlad rewards this neediness by zipping in to rescue her and patching her up with random bandagery.

“Do you know what you’re doing here?” says TIAC.

“No idea,” confirms Superlad. But ploughs on with the bandages regardless. Because he’s a hero, Zod damn it!

TIAC puts forth the idea that, tying into Speedy’s clunky dialogue from earlier, GA may have a split personality and the evil portion of him might be running around shooting his friends.

“You’re more of a business partner than a friend to him, though, aren’t you?” says Superlad.

TIAC ignores him and goes on to make one of her stupid forced analogies about GA being a racing car and how she helped him change his tyres in the pit stop of Episode Five.

Superlad is furious. “That was the stupidest episode this season!” he says. He zips off, mad as blazes.

Meanwhile, Lois has caught up with GA.

“Hey,” she says. “Did you shoot me with an arrow?”

“Nope.”

“Okay,” says Lois. “Did you shoot TIAC?”

“TIAC’s been shot?” says GA. That shameless wannabe.

“Yes,” says Lois. “And whoever’s shooting us, you need to stop them. I mean, I understand why they might shoot one of your ex-lovers (??). But why would they shoot one of your friends?”

“She’s more a business partner, really,” says GA. But by muttering the Green Arrow Oath (‘No ex-lovers, no business partners, no ninja-outfit-wearing sexy disciples’), he ‘deduces’ that Speedy will be the next target.

Meanwhile, over at GA HQ, Superlad is admiring all the surveillance photos of GA. It really is a good way to wallpaper one’s home and saving on the ongoing expense of owning mirrors. But while going in for a closer look, he activates his X-Ray vision and finds incriminatory arrows behind the wall.

TIAC shows up to explain what’s going on. Some gibberish about a Celtic sect of expert 13th Century vigilante assassin archers and how one of them has shown up to settle a score with GA and how that person is probably the one shooting everybody all over the place.

“Yawn,” says Superlad. “GA worked that out twenty minutes ago.”

So, with everybody all finally caught up, GA rocks up to visit his former mentor, who, BTW, has kidnapped Speedy already. (“Call me Boromir,” says the mentor. “No,” says Speedy.) GA and Boromir banter for a bit about not following in footsteps and defying oaths and betraying father-figures and so on and so on and so on. It’s rather interminable, but the upshot of it is that Boromir needs GA to kill him so he (Boromir) can maintain his honour. Or some damn thing. And if GA won’t do it, then Boromir will kill Speedy.

That’s a pretty easy decision, no? Crazy murderous former mentor? Or hot young apprentice?

“I’m not going to kill you, Boromir,” says GA.

Wait. What?

So there we have it. Speedy’s wandering around one of those mazes that are scattered throughout Metropolis. Boromir is hunting her. GA’s hunting Boromir. Eventually they all converge and Boromir and GA shoot.

Superlad shows up and struggles not at all with the choice between insane murderous mentor and nubile crazy-cute padawan. He intercepts Boromir’s arrows with his invulnerable, super-speedy hide and lets GA’s arrows find their mark.

“Y’know,” says GA, when the slow-motion ends. “Boromir always said I’d embrace my dark side and murder him.”

“Embrace Darkseid?” says Superlad. “The lord of Apokolips?”

But GA doesn’t have time for Superlad’s confusion or obscure New Gods references. Not today. He leans in to hear Boromir’s dying words.

“Leave it! It is over,” says Boromir. “The world of Men will fall. And all will come to darkness. My city to ruin.”

“What?” says GA.

“Our people. Our people,” says Boromir. “I would have followed you, my brother. My captain. My king.” His eyes glaze over.

“Dude. I just shot you in the shoulder. You’ll be fine.”

“Wait. What?” says Boromir. His eyes pop open. “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

And that’s about that. We have a brief scene where Lois tells Superlad about Zod’s visit. Then Superlad confronts Zod and vows to destroy all the Kandorians if Zod ever talks to Lois again. (Zod: “Gee, possessive much, Kal-El?”) And, most worryingly of all, there seems to be a very real threat that GA might start up with the moping again.

And on that ominous note, we look forward to…

Next week: Let’s hope it’s the Justice Society. Those dudes never mope.

The Which Butt-Kicker Are You? quiz is now available on Facebook. Because, presumably, Facebook has more visitors than this site (not sure, though – will have to check the stats). So go play with it there if you like.

What better way to celebrate Australia Day than by reinstating the much-missed Top Ten Kickers of Butt You Want On Your Side When Things Go Pear-Shaped list (including The Next Best Kickers of Butt You Want On Your Side When Things Go Pear-Shaped list)?

ANSWER: None at all.

And, of course, if you want to know which of these butt-kickers you most resemble, then you need only take one simple butt-kickin’ quiz.

Wow! Didn’t time fly. I had originally said I was going to cover all the major outstanding mysteries and unanswered questions left for Lost on a weekly basis until the show returned for Season Six. Obviously, in retrospect, that was a Very Large Lie. So, with the Season Six premiere looming, let’s skip all the remaining questions and go straight to (arguably) the big one:

Who is Jacob?

G-Force set the standard for amalgamation heroics

Oh, sure, I’m sticking to my bold prediction that Jacob is an acronymic amalgam of all the children on the show (Ji Yeon, Aaron, Charlie (Desmond and Penny’s kid, not the drug-addled wet hobbit) and the yet-to-be-seen misbegotten twin offspring of Shannon and Boone, Oingo and Boingo. These five children combine, a la G Force or the E Street Band, to form J.A.C.O.B.

Now, sure, despite the obvious clues leading me to that inescapable conclusion, the writers may come up with some different, almost certainly less satisfying, explanation for who Jacob is and what he’s all about.

What Exactly We Need To Know

• Who is Jacob?
• How does he relate to the island?
• What does he want from everybody else on the island?
• And, hey, who’s his murderous buddy?

Why The Question of Jacob Needs To Be Answered

Because one gets the impression he pretty much (whoever he might be) ties everything together. We learned in the Season Five finale that he made appearances in most of our favourite Flight 815 nitwits’ lives before they even crashed on the island. Ben and Richard Alpert have both invoked him as their leader and king of the island and the ultimate source of most of t’Others’ actions. So dude is important to a satisfying conclusion.

Odds of the Question Being Answered:

42-1 On

Odds of Jacob Being A Hybrid Amalgam of the Lostie Babies?

108-1 Against

But, hey, we’ll find out soon enough, right?

So, yeah. If you’re the kind of person who likes reading ebooks on your Amazon Kindle or your free downloaded Amazon Kindle for PC software, and, in particular, if you are the kind of person who likes to read ebooks about supermodel philosophers doing their best to stop all of Hollywood from turning into were-creatures of assorted kinds then, boy, do I have a deal for you…