Dan Liebke’s Astonishing Tales

Of all the tens of thousands of keyphrases out there, which ones did the beautiful people choose as gateways to this very site this very week?

Why, these ones of course…

welling kent bald picture photoshop

My hair! My beautiful hair!!

Here’s one I prepared earlier. Sure, it’s just Welling with the top of Rosenbaum’s bonce crudely pasted on, but hey, what do you expect for nothin’?

what is a remedial english

A ‘remedial english’ is a type of dog. Like an ‘irish setter’, only completely different.

laura vandervoort teme pentru calculator

According to my trusty google translate (and, of course, it’s not mine – I don’t own Google. If I did, would I be typing this out myself? Of course not, I’d have a thousand half man-half chimpanzee lackeys do it for me), ‘teme pentru calculator’ means ‘themes for computer’

So here’s some sassy wallpaper.

kristin kreuk torture

does anyone else hate lana in smallville

You’re both looking for my increasingly infamous  ‘I Hate Lana Lang’ page.

dan liebke’s astonishing tales mp3

Are you looking for me to do a podcast? Because I don’t swing that way, muchacha! It’s all about the written word for me. I shall leave the oral tradition for others of greater vocal dexterity and less, uh, awful speaking timbre. Besides, you’d all just snigger at my Australian accent. I know how you lot are.

“walks like an ace”

Yes, that’s the girl from the Beach Boys song Fun, Fun, Fun. Not only does she walk like an ace, she also looks like an ace and drives like an ace. She’s what we in the playing card-emulatin’ industry describe as a ‘triple threat’.

I was going to review Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Honest, I was. After all, I’d already covered the original cartoon television show as well as Transformers Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, so the new movie was a done deal, right?

But then I read this review over at io9 (Michael Bay Finally Made An Art Movie), and realised that nothing I could possibly come up with would top observations such as:

“No matter how great a loser they might be, they can’t be as losery a loser as Sam Witwicky. And yet, Sam has awesome giant robots stomping around telling him he’s the most important awesome person ever. And he has the hottest girlfriend in the universe, Megan Fox, for whom banality is a huge aphrodisiac. The more pathetic Sam gets, the more Fox’s lips pout and her nipples point, like little Irish setters”

or

“It’s the part of your brain that thinks it would be awesome to see robots with giant dangling testicles, or hot chicks turning into robot tentacle monsters, or “ghetto” robots that talk in inept hip-hop slang and smash each other playfully, or funny Jewish men who talk about their “schmear” and randomly strip to their G-strings. Is that going too far? Then let’s go 100 times farther than that and see what happens!”

or

“And yet — and here’s the part where I really think ROTF approaches “art movie” status — the movie’s id overload reaches such crazy levels that the fabric of reality itself starts to break down. Michael Bay has boasted about how every single shot in the movie has so much stuff going on in it, it would take your PC since the dawn of time to render one frame. After a few hours of this assault, you feel the chair melt and the floor of the movie theater becomes an angry mirror into your soul. Nothing is solid, nothing is real, everything Transforms.”

or so much more.

Go, read for yourself. I have nothing more to add.

Well, except for this link that lets you (with the aid of only a webcam and possibly the hardest working web server on Earth) transform into an Autobot (here’s me holding my morning bottle of V™ Energy drink)

Much, much less than meets the eye

Still not satisifed? Fine. Here’s a picture of Megan Fox in costume for the new Jonah Hex movie. More than meets the eye, indeed!

Corsets - awesome in days of yore. Awesome today.

So… watching Rove last night (international visitors, please replace the name ‘Rove’ (yes, name! Weird, huh? Us Aussies, we so nutty!!) with the name of your talk show host of choice) and Bruno was on, promoting his movie. And, as expected, Bruno was outrageous and shocking and the like. He peered down Rove’s pants, claimed the jury was still out on whether Hitler was okay or not and suggested that pets should be bagged and thrown in a river after a week.

All fair enough. If you’re going to ski the slopes of shock comedy, then making outrageous comments is to be expected. And, of course, vice versa.

And, yet, there was a point where, according to the all-knowing censors at Channel Ten, Bruno went too far. Way too far. Upon being shown a picture of Borat (’an offensive stereotype of a foreigner’), Bruno went on to claim that Sacha Baron Cohen was ‘uber-gay’ and that ‘his wife got as much sex as (insert all-censoring silence)’.

(Why on Earth am I telling you all this – watch and see for yourselves (censoring at 2:50) – after all, that’s why Britney invented the internet. I’ll wait for you…)

So, anyways, undeterred by the mind-controllin’ head-crunchers at Channel Ten, I investigated further. A few rewatches and lip-reads and google searches later and it became clear that the punchline was ‘Katie Holmes‘.

Katie Holmes.

Huh. That’s the shocking bit?! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have an alleged (hi, legal team) sham marriage. I sure hope nobody’s told the inimitably awesome Jonathan Coulton.

At 2MB Community Radio, Heather Mills is the subject of much courtroom mirth and Dr Ioan Gruffudd has timely literary and hygienic advice for Brooke Burke and her listeners. Meanwhile, at Drinks Break, the Australians are being urged to discard their very identity! Except for Cryin’ Shane Watson, who is injured again. And whatsername? She’s got nothin’. Typical, really.

And by ‘RIP’, I obviously mean ‘don’t return as a zombie’. Because that would be uncool. Or, on further reflection, incredibly cool indeed.

Because my site’s so old and obsessed with 80s pop culture, I’ve obviously commented on Senor Jackson and his antics before. Here’s my decade-old review of Thriller and a slightly later review of The Jackson Five’s ABC. Don’t tell me I’m not in touch.

And because it’s no fun making fun of dead people (exception: Hitler!), I’ll probably leave it at that. RIP Jacko.

What did the beautiful people use to find the site this week? Well, I’m glad you asked…

mohinder skulky

Heh. I’m assuming, strange visitor from Hattiesburg, Mississippi, that you’re looking for my friend Morgan’s blog. She’s my Heroes recapper of choice and renowned fan of Skulky The Turtle Wonder.

We're all loving it, Evil Mary Marvel

supergirl vs mary marvel

You’re probably looking for their fight from Grant Morrison’s Final Crisis, Issue Six. Curiously, I only just today received a copy of the hardcover collection of this series from Amazon. So, because I appreciate coincidences and since you’ve all been good, here’s a scan of the two of them going at it.

jokes about venereal disease

Hard to come by, aren’t they? Here’s a joke about herpes. Always glad to help.

what is doth

It’s a word that durn fool Shakespeare used to use instead of ‘does’. What a showpony.

darren star fat

Well, he did create both Beverly Hills, 90210 and Melrose Place, so I doubt he’s starving. Of course, he also played a part in the creation of Sex and the City, too. But no man is perfect.

hairdressing fortress

I have no idea. But it sounds freakin’ awesome!

I’ve been donating blood for a few years now (purely for the prestige and free Band-Aids™) so when the corporate bigwigs at the Red Cross offered me the opportunity to start donating plasma, I literally leapt at it (startling everybody, let me tell you). Because, heck, it’s one thing to supply my precious O Positive for use in surgery, accidents, rave parties and other transfusative situations. It’s rather another to have my bodily fluids form an integral part of the next generation of High Definition Flat Screen Televisions sets. At last, I feel like I’m making a difference.

Mmmm, I love dumplings. Took the missus out for dinner at a local Chinese restaurant the other night (’Wok You Lookin’ At?’) and on the way there we saw about half a dozen newly hatched ones crossing the road behind their mother dumple. Frickin’ adorable.

As the heading would suggest, this week’s keyword fun is delayed for reasons that need not be explored outside the state judicial system. But, delay notwithstanding, here are the keywords the beautiful people employed in tracking down the site this week:

Oops! Sayid's gonna be pissed about this... for a couple of episodes, anyway.

ana lucia trigger happy

The late Shannon Rutherford no doubt thinks so, yes.

sexy-x

Hmmm… you may be looking for the song S-E-X-X-Y by They Might Be Giants. Or maybe the way those two straight lines cross over in the middle turns you on. I can help with the former. Less so with the latter.

triple negative, family ties

Actually, as I explain in this review of that finest of sitcoms, the theme song actually yields a quadruple negative – ‘And there ain’t no nothin’ we can’t love each other through‘. Parse away, Keaton-o-philes!

hate o-meters

I only have one. The Lana Lang Hate-o-Meter. Happy to hear of others, though.

the first astonings tales

I’m with you. Only nerds learn how to spell.

But if you’re looking for an edition of the comic book Astonishing Tales #1, there’s heaps on ebay

john schneider’s wife was a stripper

I’m not sure whether or not Mr Schneider’s wife (Ms Elly Castle) ever took off her clothes for the entertainment of drunken onlookers. But, if she did, let’s hope she did a better job of it than Lois in the startlingly bad Season Five episode of Smallville

hybrid diploma hairdressing

The only hybrid diploma in hairdressing on this site is the hairdressing/snake-wrangling one referred to in this thought about the Gorgon Salon. (And keen-eared readers now have enough information to decode the entire punchline and hence avoid clicking on the link. Kudos and well-played.)

he tickle his brother in the navel

Did he really? Uh, good for him.

clark kent “crown’s mine, bitch”

Very possibly the finest line in the history of Smallville. It’s from the eighteenth episode of the much-maligned fourth season of Smallville. So, y’see, even when things look gloomiest, one can always find a glimmer of awesomeness.

And I think that’s an appropriate message with which to end this edition of ‘Fun With Keywords’

Apologies for this thought. Y’all know I’m not usually one for spruiking empty tautologies. But, heck, sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.